Random post, insecurities, empty dan loneliness

I nak tanya you all, pernah tak you all rasa macam ni.. Rasa tak berguna dan berharga bila tidak diperlukan lagi.. lebih lebih lagi sebagai seorang wanita yang hanya tinggal didalam rumah nak kata membantu dari segi kewangan.. hmmph berniaga kecil-kecilan je la dari rumah especially seperti yang terhad pergerakan sebab I tak ada my own car.. I tak tahu nak cerita dekat siapa tapi I hope dengan entri kali ni tak ada sapa salah anggap dengan rumah tangga I. actually it's fine but  tu la hati I rasa macam insecure dan i dont think like I am needed.. 

macam okay let's say I am  just a suri rumah je so macam rasa I am nothing.. nak kata hulurkan duit untuk support for the entire households.. just like so.. so je.. because setakat ni macam Husband like provided everything cuma macam benda tu haaa banyak tu je la.. 

I tried so hard to impress people like my husband.. but everything like worthless.. I dont feel anything.. I tried so hard.. but tu la macam tu je la.. I rasa macam nak make my move, let him bebas don't feel like I am a burden and dont stick anymore around him.. 

it's been like 16 years old i kenal my husband and 10 years of marriage, well Marriage life actually a disaster if one cannot tolerate to each other.. right now i tak nak cari weaknesses but tu la.. i feel like i dont know nak describe any longer.. 

maybe sebab i seorang surirumah, i feel empty inside and feel lonely ... doing the same house chores, tak jumpa lagi inspirasi to get out from insecurities.. 

kalau jumpa orang pun.. kalau surirumah mesti dorang target.. haaa buatlah bisnes dari rumah nanti dapat duit...ye I knew betul cuma you kena restock banyak baranglah baru boleh promote kaw kaw kan, I ni nak promote kaw kaw tapi barang tak ada macam mana kan ? Mana nak cari modal restock barang.. dengan Tak pernah bekerja no stable income so where to start? Gadai emas yang ada.. taking risiko might an option.. cuma I jenis takut nak cope if I am in trouble.. pernah husband said jangan ambil risiko la nanti yang susah dia yang kena tanggung..

see from there I think it's a BLOCK.. 
husband dont really support I'm doing things like that..

I knew dia mampu support I untuk sampai dia mati.. but I dont get or play along..
I tak nak macam ni, I tak nak jadi burdener.. 
serious I nak get out from this..
I am looking for a way dari harap kan duit suami all the times.. 
I want to have my own house, I want to have my own garden, my own job I dont want him around me..
You might think I am not a good wife.. I can accept it because you dont live in my shoes..

Entahlah..
Malas nak tulis panjang-panjang sebab bila fikir balik everything just fine.. but somehow the dark feels mesti nak keluar... I tak boleh buat anything because asyik fikir benda tu je... beratnya benda tu semua dekat dada I..

I need to talk with someone about my thoughts but i feel like None I can talk with..
Dont give me anymore any dial contacts and so on untuk I call to get help..
Why don't just people come and help instead of I'm looking for help..

ps : my husband is a good man, cuma I tak nak ambil granted anymore..
I think i should make my move..
I hope I can make it.. :( 
I kena get out :(

#MentalHealthAwareness


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